House parties are the places where we spend most of our youth, living for the weekend and one of our friend’s potential “free gaff.” The traditional house party is a recent phenomenon with several distinct characters on the guest list. Your bound to find at least one of them at every event. Here are the 20 types of people at every house party. Which one are YOU?
21) The Beer Pong Chump.
Always found raucously boasting about his beer pong skills at the beginning of every house party. His ego grows larger with every drink consumed until his time comes to play beer pong. He loses in a dramatic whitewash and fails to drink his beer. All talk and no walk, the beer pong chump blames everything but his weak drinking and pong skills – “that ping pong pall isn’t regulation size! … Those cups are too big … I poured more beer in my cups then you!”
20) The Kings Fanatic.
Bursting in the door of the house all guns blazing, the Kings fanatic has a deck of cards ready and the list of rules typed out on his/her phone as well as 3 sheets of paper, which they hand to the other guests. They LIVE for Kings, and will struggle to go one house party without one. Such is their obsession and ultra-enthusiasm, that everyone usually gives in and plays.
19) The “What’s The Wifi Code” Dickhead.
You know who they are. Glued to their phone and too stingy to waste any more of their precious mobile internet, they rush into the house party and immediately demand the Wifi code. “Oh, it’s nice to see you too.” They’re the most anti-social beings alive. If there was ever a robot revolution and all technology failed, they’d be the first ones to die. And let’s face it, you’d probably have no qualms about eating some of their limbs. You know, for survival…
18) The Emotional Friend.
The emotional friend rarely talks about their love-life, feelings or emotions, but as soon as they’re drunk the flood gates swing open and their feelings come pouring out! They’ll wrap their arm around you and cry about their ex who broke up with them 2 years ago, tell you how you’re “my best friend ever”, and last but not least: “I fucking Love you, you know that?” They’ll of course wake up the next morning and either not remember what they said or pretend it never happened. Often with the excuse: “Sorry, I was drunk.”
17) The Prankster.
This person is possibly one of the most vile human beings ever to walk the Earth. They’ll commit some utter atrocity, and borderline illegal like shit in a kettle, jizz into a shampoo bottle or smear their feces all over the bathroom walls. The prankster always takes it too far.
16) The “Only When I’m Drinking” Smoker.
The only time that these people smoke is “when I’m drinking.” They’ll never smoke during the week but as soon as they’ve had one sip of beer from their Heineken can, they’re outside fishing for the butt of a smoke. They are the inbetweeners of the house party – the smokers hate them for stealing their smokes and never buying any, and the non-smokers hate them for being superficial and nonsensical as fuck.
15) The Teabagger.
The Teabagger is one of the last men standing at a house party. He thrives on victims who have passed out. This is where the teabagger comes alive. You can guess what comes next. Do I REALLY have to say it? Okay, well he unzips his jeans, pulls a hairy, wrinkly testicle or two out of his boxer shorts and slowly dips them into any passed out guy’s open mouth… What, you asked for it? That, my dear readers is teabagging, and it’s not as uncommon as you think. Usually followed by an inappropriate picture or video but the more difficult new-age form of teabagging incorporates the selfie into it. Fantastic.
14) The Shameless Slut.
She’s single, slutty, sexy, getting a little drunk and she doesn’t care. She has a reputation of getting around. She will arrive into the house wearing something that looks like a belt for a skirt and a skimpy top, a small bit larger than your average bra. She’s got an incredible body. On her arrival, she immediately grabs the eyes of every guy and girl in the room. Every girl sighs, eye-rolls and thinks: “Slut!” while every guy smiles, tries to hide their erection and thinks: “Fuck Me!”
13) The “Under The Thumb” Boyfriend.
Whipped is an understatement. He’ll arrive 2 hours late (even though he was ready 1 hour early) because his girlfriend is trying on several different outfits and they’re not leaving until SHE says so. He never puts up a fight. He sits quietly and obeys. He’ll get there, say hi to his old friends who he never see anymore because of HER, and leave early because his girlfriend’s either kicked off or gotten too drunk. Nobody wants to be this guy, but unfortunately many men have…
12) The Chain Smoker.
These people have got the lungs of a 75-year-old smoker. They’ve developed a terrible, mucus-summoning, spluttering cough and continue to smoke cigarette after cigarette. No doubt, they are fun and sociable, but they spend their night smoking outside and therefore only talking to the other smokers, missing out on all the non-smoking fun.
11) The Drama Mama.
This girl loves to stir up shit simply because it amuses her and her group of core bitchy friends. She’ll bitch about someone’s boyfriend, throw dirty looks at her ex bf’s new girlfriend across the room, and spread a vicious rumour about a girl she hates. Drama mamas are the worst of the worst!
10) The Cheater.
The self-proclaimed “player” who arrives at the house party without his overly-trusting girlfriend. He plays it cool, mentions nothing of a current girlfriend and creeps hard on girls attending the house party. He’ll cheat on his girlfriend numerous times before anyone actually sucks it up and tells her, or she finds out on her own.
9) The Sing-Song Guy.
This man lives for a good old-fashioned sing-song. He comes alive at 2am when everybody has drank the most of their alcohol, a few people have fell by the wayside and everyone is at their peak intoxication level. He’ll gather everyone around, begin clapping his hands ad bellowing out a few lines of the Auld Triangle. His voice is terrible but nobody’s sober enough to care, and hey, he knows all the words! Everybody joins in and gets really into it. We Irish love the sing-song guy.
8) The Gossip Girl.
Gossip girls don’t start drama but they certainly help spread it, and spread it like wildfire. Gossip girls have a large social circuit and have the ability to move their mouths at an astronomical pace, therefore giving them the edge on other people in their news- and rumour-spreading abilities! They’ll spend their house party sipping wine, and judging other girls who get a little too drunk, while always on the lookout for some dirt.
7) The Inappropriate Party-Trick Guy.
“Hey watch me put this whole mini scissors up my bellend!” There’s always a man who demonstrates one of his prized “party tricks” in the middle of the house party. Whether he’s doing it to become a legend among the lads, or impress the girls there, we don’t know. All we can be sure of is that he fails at both of them.
6) The “Woooo” Girl.
Woooo girl makes her appearance at the house party after pre-drinking a little elsewhere beforehand. As soon as her first stumpy foot crosses over the threshold of the door she releases it: “WOOOOO!” For no other reason, other than the fact that she’s drinking and going to have a good time. Her woooos go up in decibel level for every drink consumed.
5) The Heavyweight Champ.
This person is the best drinker you’ve ever seen. They ooze drinking success. No matter how much they drink, they never seem to go beyond their limits. They stay a steady nice drunk the entire night, joining in on all the fun and banter and are always the last man standing at every house party.
4) The Daredevil.
Whether it’s because he’s stupidly drunk, wanting to make new friends, or impress the onlookers I don’t know. But the daredevil will reach a stage of intoxication where he will literally do ANYTHING you dare him to do. Everyone likes to see how far they can push him. “Eat a tablespoon of butter! Drink from the toilet bowl! Shove this Budweiser bottle up your anus!” … “Done, done, annnnnd DONE! Ouch!”
3) The Consistent Blackout-er.
This person simply cannot drink alcohol for a steady period of time. They try, oh they do try, but they fail miserably every single time. They show up nervous and shy, by 10pm they’re the life of the party and by midnight their passed out slumped over the side of a couch in the corner of the room.
2) The Schizophrenic Psychopath.
Sitting in a corner wallowing into a can of Coors Light, their crazy eyes flickering and darting back and forth around the room, the schizophrenic psychopath is a mystery. They have that crazy alter ego that appears every night after a few drinks. You can find them muttering curses and devilish snares to themselves, and not associating with anybody at the party. You never know what to say or how to act around them so you just avoid them.
1) The Bitchy Girlfriend.
The ultimate bitch. She prances into the house party, acting like she owns the place. She’s a control freak and thrives off of telling others what to do. Her boyfriend trots in behind her, almost unnoticed by everyone else, and as if she has him on an invisible leash. Every girl hates her, and every guy hates her, but everyone forces themselves to put up with her because they’re too scared of telling her off to her face. Ah well, at least your not her boyfriend!